Oh That Innoculous Cellulose! It Will Bring About Our Downfall. Mark My Words.

My David was reading the headlines on the Internet. Truly it is sometimes, OK, a lot of the time, oh alright then! Most of the time you would be better off just reading the front of the numerous tabloids at the grocery store! However, this one got me to researching. I wanted to prove him wrong so MUCH!!!

I have eaten a lot of things in my life, even escargot which was so delicious it made me sorry I had waited until there was only one left! I have eaten the gum from the pecan tree and chewed it all day, nothing has ever tasted so good then or since!! Bugs and all!! I used to throw the bugs at my sister and laugh when they got stuck in her hair! I've eaten the remains of the PB&J 'sammiches' :) from when our kids were toddlers and they only ate the 3 soft bits out of the middle! Baby spit and crust! A gourmet meal in itself!

But when honey asked me what cellulose was the word that sprang to mind was corn starch Could that be the same as cellulose and corn starch was a catchier name?

Not close except it is white when its ready for human (Derisive muffled laugh stage left) use.

Cellulose is found in all lining plants! There now isn't that a relief, we have been eating it all along and aren't dead yet! It is in all living plant material come to find out so what are you bleating about Bethard? All this oh my the sky is falling and the downfall of Man. Good thing for us women you say?

Be serious ladies! This is a dread matter if it turns out that my David is correct and the Internet does NOT exploit out senses with inflammatory but not totally true headlines in order for us to continue surfing!

What?
Oh, getting off the subject you say? Heavy sigh Center stage, shoulders slumped in defeat, sip of water for dry mouth relief.

OKAY

Here we go, into the rough...now where did that gold ball get to; I hope I don't stir up a snake out here!

Cellulose is a byproduct of polymer. To show how much I don't now, I always sneered at polymers, I thought the came from Oil! Silly me. No, a polymer is this giant molecule that contains macromolecules. Polymer and macromolecule are words that DO mean the same thing! There are all kinds of polymers and they all can be turned into different things. Leather was actually the very first polymer ever made! And you thought leather was made from spit and other unsavory and smelly ( but all natural!) liquids! Shows what YOU knew HAHA :)

OKAY, sorry, had to fix my bruised ego and guilty conscience for all the sniffs and jabbing of my nose in the air whenever polymers were discussed at cocktail parties! "Yes that is so correct Professor, we do need to research more uses for the marvelous polymer! Why Mrs Bethard, do you take umbrage to furthering reserch?"

(exit, stage left)

Remember a polymer is natural and is naturally found in all living things from plants to animals. How relieved I was that my first thought was RIGHT! YES!

I know, I tend to be a bit too competetive at times. Want to know something? Just ask me! I will tell you and if I don't know I will find out and then I'll tell you! Annoying trait at times I realize that. That is exactly why I thought I'd research this hub! Just to keep from getting in a home health nursing rut don't you see?

I beg your pardon? Don't give up my day job? Oh thank you, no really, oh please, no, not a problem, didn't bother me at all; mind my right atrium there, it's right there by your foot, you are about to...never mind.

Polymers are found everywhere in everthing and it is also starch, glucose and protein! So, when you eat your next favourite fast food hmburger with fires rest assured you are eating the best wood around! Wood? really, even for you this is taking it a bit too far don't you think? I mean, really, must you catastromorphize every little thing? Polymers are found in all living things ok, so why not say enjoy your broccoli with that burger?

For effect of course! The fact is hamburgers and fries do contain protein and glucose right? Well, so does wood. Am I saying that hamburgers are made from wood? No, I am saying there are a LOT of foods that use CELLULOSE as filler, or a binder, but as to where the retaurant OBTAINS that cellulose is a fiercely guarded secret.

I have to stop I know, and besides clowns are really scarey. Making cellulose is not a fiercely gaurded secret. Cellulose is built from a polysaccharide because you cannot digest the cellulose itself; you dont have enough chambers to your stomach and belching is considered rude in public!

But cellulose and its counterparts are just the tip of the ice cream sundae where the uses for cellulose begin! At first, in the middle of the 18th century, it was used in the military.

Pray all our military comes home NOW!!

And then they put it to great use in one of my favourite pastimes; Pool! but they used cellulose and nitrate together to make them so every now and then some big shot "custom made two piece cue stick" shark named Jim would break so hard one of the balls would explode! They never succeeded in blowing up the green six, its called the snot ball to this day for its viscosity and nability to hit square on reminds everyone of a big, slimy, slightly green and hard on one end...

WHAT?

Oh alright then, dadgumit, I am on nursing vacation here people give me a break!

HA a break, can you imagine one blowing up in your opponents face? I just know I'd bust out laughing; then we would have to run!

My favourite use of cellulose is shampoo. I never realized how the shampoo works, I just l know I love to stand in the aisle at Wal-Mart and sniff until I find the one I want to use for the next 2-3 weeks. Ever squeeze the bottle too hard and get shampoo up your nose? Don't buy that one no matter how guilty you feel! You will smell it in your nose forever and won't be able to enjoy your shower! At any rate, the way cellulose helps shampoo is the cellulose binds around every speck of dirt, lifts it out and washes it down the drain! So that dirt doesnt get back on your scalp. Too cool eh? Except here in the desert the water is so soft you cannot use as much as you would like to. If your use too much then the soap itself will NEVER come out and you have to rinse until the water detectives knock on your door and sternly state, "Ma'am, you do realize the Sonoran Desert has been in drought since 1996? I see by this notes on my computer that this is the not the first time we have had to cme talk to you on this matter...yes Ma'am I see that 9 times it was about filling the water trough for the birds; but the other 84 times was for your shower usage. I do hope this will be the LAST time we need to speak with you on this matter?"

Anyway, remember I said cellulose was made up of glucose, protens and container? HA! So I was right, sort of. It takes many changes and many differeny ingredients to change that branch of palo verde into something that be used to make the container that your hamburger and fries comes in! Besides the creamy dressing with the fiercely guarded secret, its made from glucose hence, cellulose and if you try this simple taste test and write in the comments your findings perhaps we could start our own research project!

Here is the abstract for upcoming research project: "Hamburger and wrapper taste test proves that cellulose is not only edible but assists in the vivid and exciting flying dreams!" Or, was it the hot sauce Martha or the lid to my soda that gave me that nightmare last nght?